Twilight Vs Sweeney Todd
by IBelieveInLlamaLove
Summary: What would happen if the amazing Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street kicked Twilights butt!


Sweeney found himself staring at a certain novel, once again, not being able to help the one thought that goes through his when did vampires sparkle?

Glitter sparkles, not vampires. Vampires fly round and murder helpless innocent bystanders.

The only conclusion poor Sweeny could make was that this was a circumcised vampire that had the misfortune of falling into a vat of glitter. To put the poor teenagers of the world out of there misery he decided the only way forward was mindless pointless violence. Which of corse, solves every problem

Sweeny put the offending book into his new rucksack which had the letters JD emblazed upon it. Sweeny had decided to go incognito as to bled with the frightful youths on out street that have named themselves "Chav's init bled".

Upon arriving at Forks, Sweeny had decided that now would be the time to go have a light snack at the local café. As he hated killing mindlessly on an empty stomach.

And that is where he now was in this slightly dinghy looking establishment; Sweeny was sat opposite 2 mature heavily tanned boys of around 17. One had a 'sexy fit werewolf god' air around him and the other had a 'creepy paedophile 100 year old vamp' vibe. The boys seemed to be in mid argument with each other.

"Like OMG I love Bella like, way more"

"Like na arh! She's so mine! I love her more"

"But she's kissed me remember!"

"She punched you for it dude!"

"Yeah but that's like a female mating ritual"

"I so don't know you"

"What do you mean; we've been mortal enemies since like… preschool"

"…Oh yeah! Ha-ha! Lol!"

By this point Sweeney thought it might be getting slightly to technical for such brain dead guys. So Sweeney took his leave before the energy taken to think caused there brains to explode.

Finding the vampire residents wasn't exactly rocket science as the house isn't exactly inconspicuous… IT'S A FRIGGING GLASS MANSION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Slowly Sweeney grabbed his crucifix and pogo stick from the boot of his pink mini and bounced silently towards the giant looking fish bowl. The sight that greeted him as he bounced through the large double doors was a nauseating one. There crouched in the corner of the room was Edward the sparkly vampire. That alone would have been a nauseating sight but to make matters worse he was munching and a llama.

"Eww Sparky, put it down, you don't know where its been" Edward, now pet named Sparky, looked up at growled at Sweeney like some rabid dog.

(Still bouncing on the pogo stick) ""Will you just stop, is that ment to be intimidating? Yeash"

"Roar! Nom nom nom"

"Please… Just please"

"Sorry guess I need to work on the whole terrifying monster thing"

(Still bouncing on the pogo stick) "Ya think"

"Why are you on a pogo stick…?"

"Thought it made me look more manly… Is it working?"

"Not really… Wait do I know you?"

"Probably not, I work in a barbers shop on Fleet Street London…. I kind of kill people and make them into pies"

"What kind of pies"

"…..human pies"

"Eww… Not chicken?"

"No"

"Shame, I like chicken… You sure its not chicken?"

"IM SURE"

"…God don't shout… So what do you want anyway?"

"I'm here to protect the teenagers of the world"

"Oh yeah? How you gunna do that"

"By making you into your very own pie"

"Ohhhh… Can I have chicken?"

"I DON'T DO BLOODY CHICKEN"

"Shame…"

"…"

"First I'm going to de-glitterize you then stuff your head with garlic like a life size Pedo bear"

"Paedophile? I'm no paedophile!"

"You go out with a 17 year old girl for Christ sake!"

"… Pont taken!"

"Thank you now shut up so I can kill you"

"Before I go I want to thank all my hair creams for giving me such a flawless quiff, for me skin creams for helping with my skin problems, I had quite a lot of blackheads you know, and the black circles were just…"

"Oh for gods sake! Shut the hell up!"

"What? You should think about fixing your hair like mine"

"Don't. Dis. The. Hair… ARHHH"

Sweeney throws the crucifix full force into Sparky's head.

The tip ran strait through the left eyeball.

"That's much better, quiet for once"

Sweeney stared down and the floor and thought what a shame that he couldn't turn Sparky here into a nice pie. He'd got his orders however from Missis Lovett. She thought it would make the pie glow or explode or something sinister likes that. Yep defiantly a shame. Oh well, and with that he walked swiftly out of he giant fish bowl and got back into his cosy mini. His next destination would be the poor, overly annoying, expressionless, over the top Bella.

He was going to enjoy this very much…

To Be Continued…


End file.
